


we could be royalty (king and queen of nowhere)

by lightningstars (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: -sweats-, F/M, Multi, Platonic Kissing, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Romance, Romantic Angst, Soulmates, a lot of love really, a lot of weird metaphoracal things idk, bc im me and i live angst, enjoy this shit show i love you, i love my kids i wanna give them a hug, platonic romantic or otherwise, they're all of color too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 00:06:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9046541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/lightningstars
Summary: The first time she ever saw her soulmate she was 10 and had eaten an entire jar full of peanut butter on a dare. She was so tired she fell asleep and dreams of stormy nights with the stars still out. It’s raining and she is cold so she starts looking around for somewhere to hide. There is a cave and as she gets closer to it, Lily sees another figure huddled in it.+ That's the thing about soulmates she thinks. You could only see them in your dreams and in reality the only way to prove to the other you exist is through markings on your skin. She hopes her soulmate doesn’t think too badly of her for painting his body with bruises she doesn’t quite understand either. She always thinks that he’ll ask her at night but he never does. In her dreams they play on the beach and she doesn’t lie to her mom. He does handstands and she pushes him into the water. The moon hovers over them, lazily watching. And she could live off of that forever.+a.k.a. a soulmate au ft. jily, lily/the boys and a lot of angsty fluff.





	

**Author's Note:**

> an; wow okay so! this is my first actual jily fic and i do hope it was good for you and everyone and this was so much fun to write ahh. happy holidays or just happy winter idk but i hope you're having a lovely day today. dedicated to expectoepatronums since they were my secret santa person.

The first time she ever saw her soulmate she was 10 and had eaten an entire jar full of peanut butter on a dare. She was so tired she fell asleep and dreams of stormy nights with the stars still out. It’s raining and she is cold so she starts looking around for somewhere to hide. There is a cave and as she gets closer to it, Lily sees another figure huddled in it.

Lily marches into the cave eyeing the person. Logically she knows that she is in a dream and nothing can happen to her. Curiosity bubbles beneath her and finally she blurts out “Who are you? I’ve never seen you before”

The other boy looks up and grins at her. He has hazel eyes she realizes, they’re the same colour as Petunia’s, and he has black hair just like Sev’s. But his hair juts out everywhere and for a second she wonders if a lightning from Zeus hit it. “I’m James” he introduces himself “who are you?”

“Lily of the Evans residence” she says in her best grown-up voice. She heard Petunia answer the phone once saying that phrasing and liked it. “What’re you doing here?”

At this he grows quiet and scuffs his shoes around. Lily realizes she has hit a nerve and looks away trying to think of something else to say so he doesn’t feel as bad. “I was looking for some friends” he finally says quietly with a hint of sadness seeping into his tone

Lily frowns looking at him with hands in his pockets. It doesn’t suit him she decides, and neither does the sadness on his face. “Well I’m your friend now” she tells him. He looks up at her a little startled and she grabs his hands. “C’mon lets go play something fun”

They play together for a while. She isn’t sure how long it was but after a while he complained that he was getting tired so they both sat down. “So this is your dream” he finally says 

“Yeah. What do you think?” she asks

He shrugs and looks around. His hair is still messy and his glasses are lopsided on his face. “Most of my dreams are about me being a wizard and beating a dragon. Or becoming a wizard and using magic to pull pranks around the world and making people laugh. This is just really plain”

Lily shrugs loosely and looks around. They’re sitting at a beach, the night not quite there yet, a soft glow on the sky. A few stars already were coming out and the moon lazily hovered above them, the sea expanding above the two of them. “Here” she finally says “there are rows of houses, the kind with nice families who always did their work on time, had money, and their biggest fight in their houses was what to have for dinner. And I live in them with my family. My dad comes home every night after work and he helps me with my homework. Mom takes me to school perfectly on time and lets me help her with dinner. And Petunia, my sister” she pauses for a second “she is happy” Lily ends looking down at the sand

The boy turns to look at her. He stares at her like she is a puzzle, a mystery he wants to solve but isn’t sure how. “I like it then. Its nice. And its what you want” 

She blushes and pushes him lightly into the sand. They get into a sand castle competition and hers keeps falling apart. After a while her mom comes out and she smells like strawberries instead of liquor. When she comes the boy gets up and brushes the sand off and raises out his hand.

“Hi Ms. Evans” he says politely trying not to giggle, “I’m James of the Potter residence”

Her mom grins and shakes his hand and offers to help them with their sand castle. They play for a while longer, the evening lasting as long as they need it to. When Lily’s dad comes out James introduces himself again and her dad brings them lemonade with sandwich ice creams. Hes wearing a clean shirt, his tie slightly loosened since coming back from his job. Lily giggles as James falls into his castle by mistake and he splashes at her feet. They get into what James calls, ‘the greatest water war in the history of wars’ while Lily’s parents stay on the beach distracting one another by kissing.

They go back to shore hand in hand. On the beach Lily finds a big stick and writes ‘Lily is better than James at building sand castles’ and he crosses their name and switches it around. She laughs and he trips over his feet again. Eventually Lily’s mom calls them inside their house and they race to see who gets there first.

In the morning Lily can’t remember anything. She sits in bed for an hour trying to remember any details, but nothing comes to mind. Not his name or face or if it even was a him. She thinks he made her laugh. She thinks her family was there too, and they were all happy.

+

The day before Lily’s twelfth birthday she comes home from school to see her mother asleep on the couch. A bottle of vodka is lazily lying beside her, above all of the pens and unpaid bills. Lily takes out her wallet and takes out half her bills and stuffs them in her mom’s purse. She picks up the bottle and quietly makes her way upstairs. 

On the third step there is sounds of ruffling and Lily can hear the couch groaning as her mother sits up. She feels her mom turn around and look at the back of Lily, “Hey honey. How was school today?”

“Fine mom”

“Anything interesting?”

Lily thinks about Jimmy Barker telling her to bend over, thinks about all of his friends laughing. She thinks about the anger that coursed through her veins and how she punched him squarely in the jaw. His friends attacked her and now she was sporting a black eye and possibly a broken finger or two.

“No mom, nothing interesting” she says lying easily through her teeth before running upstairs. 

She sits on her bed and pours out some of the vodka. She’s never had some before and a part of her wants to try it. Carefully she pours some out and presses the wet liquor against her eye. In old movies she watched the guy always dab some on and just like that the injury was gone. In the back of her mind she knows that movies aren’t reliable sources for medical things but they can’t afford to go to the hospital so this’ll have to do.

She tucks the bottle away under her bed and lays in bed. She considers taking a nap, she has detention later and she’ll probably have to write lines or something. But her dreams always involve that boy and she can never remember him and it's so frustrating. The worst part is even if she did remember anything it would be no help. She couldn’t draw and she couldn’t afford to travel around the world just to find her soulmate like they did on the t.v. shows.

Once she asked her mother what all the rich people were looking for going place to place. Her mom told her that they were looking for their soulmate. What happened was that a person's soulmate came to them in dreams and you could talk to them. That confused Lily because she had dreams with a lot of people, did that mean she had multiple soulmates? And her mom looked at her fondly in that way only moms can and told her that she could have multiple soulmates. She could have a best-friend soulmate or a romantic soulmate. The dreams with the romantic soulmate were always the hardest to remember her mom told her. Lily wanted to ask more questions but her mom looked tired so she went to bed.

Lily glances at the clock and realizes the time. Her mother is still downstairs and would see the bruises so Lily opens her window and goes down the fire escape. Her arms swing aimlessly as she walks down the streets on her way back to the school. She wonders about her soulmate. She wonders if they can see all the bruises on her body and what they think of her.

That's the thing about soulmates she thinks. You could only see them in your dreams and in reality the only way to prove to the other you exist is through markings on your skin. She hopes her soulmate doesn’t think too badly of her for painting his body with bruises she doesn’t quite understand either. She always thinks that he’ll ask her at night but he never does. In her dreams they play on the beach and she doesn’t lie to her mom. He does handstands and she pushes him into the water. The moon hovers over them, lazily watching. And she could live off of that forever.

+

Lily is sixteen and isn’t sure the difference between offensive and offense. She’ll ask her soulmate, she decides as she sways her hips at Thomas Martin’s party. People keep bumping into her and the music is thumping into her skull. Lily makes her way to a table and fills her red cup. The alcohol rushes to he head and all she can understand is dancing with the music filling her head. She likes it better that way. That way she doesn’t have to deal with her thoughts.

When she's done with her cup she puts it down forcibly looking around. Everyone around her seems to be taken except for a a few. From the corner of her eye she spies Alison Coy and makes her way towards her. She looks exceptional in her red dress. Its been a little over a year since Lily’s realized that girls are just as lovely to her as boys. 

“Hey Alison” Lily slurs leaning against the wall. A part of her wonders how much she’s drunk tonight and another doesn’t really care.

Alison opens her mouth to respond when another guy Lily doesn’t know slides next to her. He starts chatting up Alison and Lily holds back a sigh before turning to leave. Outside the fresh air hits her like a slap as she makes her way across the town. Her feet wobble in her heels but Lily doesn’t have the energy to take them off.

She finds a park bench and falls down on it crawling into herself. Her eyes close her heads spins and then she is at a diner with James. He looks fainter and fuzzier than normal but she can still tell it's him. She would always be able to tell James apart from a crowd.

“Lily” his voice comes to her faintly. It feels like he's a thousand miles away even though she knows that he’s he’s right in front of her. “Lily you okay?”

“I’m fine James” she says hiccuping. “I’m just. fucked up”

She can feel him relax against the booth and rolls his eyes. “So am I. All the time, you should visit my dreams one of these nights”

He keeps fading and Lily gets scared that he's going to disappear from her completely. She grabs his hands and interlocks fingers holding on tightly to make sure he doesn’t run away from her like everyone else. 

“Lily” he says again, “Lils I’m right here. I’m never going anywhere”

“Promise” she asks him her voice not really hers

“ _Pinkie_ promise” he swears

She holds onto him still waiting for him to be focused in all the darkness. She loosens her hold on him and a waitress comes around to get their order. She orders fries and some soda. He orders a milkshake. When the waitress comes back around he switches their drink and she kicks his leg.

“The milkshake will help clear your head” he tells her, rubbing the spot she just kicked. She looks at the milkshake eyebrows raised. “Really I swear” he tells her

She rolls her eyes but that makes her head hurt too so she drinks her milkshake while he steals some of her fries. She tries to be mad but she finds out she can never be mad at him. 

“Hey James?” she asks after a while. They were talking about if a whale or a shark would win in a fight and other things that didn’t matter. “James do you. Do you like believe in soulmates?”

He fixes her hazel eyes on her and nods. “Yeah I do,” For a few seconds he hesitates then asks “do you?”

“I think you’re mine” she says without looking at anything. 

“I’d be okay with it” he tells her and when she looks up abruptly he keeps her gaze. He’s the only one who’ll do that she realized a while ago. Most other people focus on some other point but when she looks at him he looks right back.

“It isn’t okay if we never meet”

“One day we might get lucky enough too” and the words ring in her head for hours later. She thinks about all the people that are lucky enough to see him everyday and envies them. She wishes she could remember him at least, or part of him or anything because she thinks then maybe she’d be better. She would get into less fights, try harder, be better.

“Hey I have a question” James says jostling her out of her thoughts. They’ve left the diner now, walking on the street barefoot because Lily couldn’t bother with shoes. Its empty, the houses are abandoned, shattered glass laying around, paint chipped. Some parts are burned others are taken over by plants. Everything is quiet except for the sound of the two of them walking.

“Whats up?”

“What happened to the beach where we built sand castles in the evening and you ate ice cream until it melted?”

She grows quiet and looks around. There isn’t an ice cream parlor and the sky has been black for weeks now. She wonders if she can even remember the hues of pink and purple that streaked the sky.

“It didn’t really get anywhere with it” she responds and it really isn’t a lie. Petunia didn’t love her all of a sudden, her dad never came back, and and her mother still could only face the world while clutching a bottle.

“Oh” he says after a moment and it sounds like he understands. She looks at him from the corner of her eye and wonders what his life is like, if it is as good as she romanticizes it or if he’s got shit hiding in his closet.

She grabs his hand and runs, tugging him behind her. She dreams up an ocean and a beach and it isn’t as perfect as they had when she was younger but she tries. Lily sits down the ocean licking her legs while her hair runs with the wind.

“Hey I have an idea” he says

“Is it a good one?”

“Of course not” 

She grins and looks up at him, “I’m in”

“So you told me that you want to remember me when you wake. And so do I, it’s been driving me insane when I’m awake. The only things I can remember is this girl with orange hair”

“My hair isn’t orange it is red!”

He waves his hand as if it is an unimportant detail, “same difference. Anyways I was thinking and maybe we could mark up our bodies”

She blinks, “Tattoos James? Are you sure?”

He nods and blinks. When he opens his eyes again she is holding a box and is already laying out the materials. 

“Help me then you idiot” she says and he grins.

He lies on his side and points to his ribcage. Someone once told him that it was one of the most painful places to get a tattoo but he wants to feel it. Lily hesitates slightly and looks down at him. His hair is full of sand his skin stands out brightly against the sand. She isn’t even sure how to tattoo a person but he looked as if he needed it so she went along. She would go along with anything he wanted she realizes and the thought terrifies her slightly.

“Hey,” he reaches for her wrist, “I’ll be fine. Just tattoo whatever you want. It doesn’t have to be Van Gogh level or whatever”  
Lily takes a deep breath and starts. Her hands shakes a lot and she pauses so many times but she likes the feeling of his skin under hers. When she is done she stops and admires her hand work.

“Love is also a violence and cannot be undone” he repeats raising a single brow

“I read it in a book. I liked it” she tells him grinning

He laughs and pulls her closer to him. She nestles where his heart is, making sure she isn’t touching the area she just marked. She can hear his heart beating in the bars of a ribcage and wants to stuff herself into it.

“You know I have this friend Remus. I think you’d like him”

“Yeah?” she asks her eyes watching the horizon where the sky and sea meet. 

“Yeah he is also into all the nerdy book crap”

She laughs and pushes him off. He splashes water at her and suddenly they’re 10 and everything feels okay. For a moment everything feels okay.

+

They move. Their mom tells them that she has a friend who has a job for her and they can be happy there. Petunia and Lily smile but its hollowed out, a shell of what it once was. 

They move to a city with more people who are too busy running around to pay attention to three lonely scared girls. They move into an apartment and get a t.v. in their rooms and a bathroom that works. There’s still a fire escape from Lily’s room.

The first day she goes to school Fitz William grabs her hand and starts to whisper dirty things into her ear. She punches him and then calmly steps over the body as if nothing bad happened.

A rumor goes around the school that she had to move in the middle of the school year because she killed three and a half people. A kid named Matt Lawson goes around and tells everyone that her hair is so red because it's full of blood she couldn’t wash out.

Principal Dumbledore calls her in. He’s an old man with half moon glasses and a beard so long it would put Rapunzel to shame. She struggles not to laugh when he tells her that he really doesn’t care what she’s done in the past but please do not murder people on school property, Filch the janitor would just get more put off. Lily tells him that she’ll do her best to not do so and as she’s leaving his office he calls out “Fitz William is suspended and the minute he returns he has detention for the rest of the year”  
Lily thanks him and leaves.

+

In English class she sits at the front. They’re learning about old Disney films and their impact on literature. The teacher, Professor McGonagall calls on a boy named Remus. The name sounds familiar to Lily but when she turns around she can’t recognize the boy whose freckles stand out against his dark complexion.

“Well for instance in Snow White, the Evil Queen says ‘mirror mirror on the wall’-”

“Magic mirror” Lily interrupts.

The boy turns to look at her a brow perfectly rose. “Excuse me?”

“The line” Lily explains feeling everyone's eyes on her, “is ‘ _magic_ mirror on the wall’. You probably think its ‘mirror mirror’ due to the Mandela effect” 

The entire class is silent. Not only did the new, possibly murdering, girl correct Remus but she was _right_.

“Who are you?” he asks her interrupting the delicate silence

“Sleepy”

He breaks into a grin and reaches out his hand. “I’m Grumpy”

“Well it is a _pleasure_ to meet you” she says and he laughs.

+

“Oi idiots come down here I’ve got a surprise for you” Remus calls up

Lily waits by his side patiently as three boys swung down from the tree.

“It is a girl” a boy says.

“How observant of you Peter” another one responds.

“Shut up Sirius” 

Sirius flips Peter off and turns to the girl. “Well m’lady I’m Sirius. And this twat over that is Peter and I see you’ve already met Remus. And this is James” he says bowing down and kissing her hand.

“M’lady? I know this school believes in tradition but we aren’t in the 16th century”

Sirius grins and nods. “I like you” to which she responds “I don’t give a fuck”

+

She fits in well with their group of misfit toys. At least one of them is in one of her classes so she’s never alone. They sometimes hang out at Remus’s room, or on the roof of Sirius’s house. Peter has a balcony to dance on when they’re drunk, but oftentimes they wind up at the diner her mom claims to work at but suspiciously is never there when they hang out. Then one day while aimlessly walking through the streets Lily sees her mom exiting a club counting the bills in her hand and she runs home and throws up.

When she leaves the bathroom she sees Petunia in her room. The door is open and Petunia is nursing the bruises marking her body. She looks up and sees Lily watching her and gets up to close the door. 

“Who did this to you” Lily whispers

“No one. Myself. I fell down” Petunia says and they both know it’s a lie

“Petunia please” Lily tries again and she isn’t sure why it’ll work this time. The two of them hadn’t talked in years, at school she pretended Lily wasn’t her sister and their mom wasn’t her mom.

“Nothing, go away Lily,” Petunia says and it’s the first time she’s used Lily’s name since they were 10. Her phone rings and the name ‘Vernon’ flashes the screen. Petunia’s eyes widen slightly and she pushes Lily out scared, and locks the door. 

Lily sits against the wall for hours wondering when this happened, and how she didn’t notice it before.

+

She hangs out with the boys everyday. They’ve become her normal even though they’re anything but. At Peter’s house she tries and bakes with him but messes up even more that they end up with a giant mess she blames on him. He rolls his eyes and throws flour at her and they end up having to call the rest of the boys at three in the morning to help them. Sirius laughs and takes picture of Lily with white hair while Remus promptly turns around and goes to sleep on the couch. James slides on it and falls breaking his leg. They take him to the hospital while laughing.

When he’s in the hospital Lily visits him everyday. She tells him about how Remus fell asleep in class because he was so tired and how Sirius and her painted every locker purple with pink polka dots. She hands him all of his homework to which he throws out and tells her he can’t do it, he’s _injured_.

She gets closer to him like she hasn’t with anyone in a long time. They argue while throwing grapes at each other to see who can get under whose skin first but they get along. He feels like an old fiend to her, ever since the first day they met and Lily corrected Remus and told Sirius to fuck off. He’s steady, like an island amidst the entire ocean. And really Lily needs that these days. Someone to hold onto.

+

Lily hears shouting as she approaches the apartment door. She opens the door and everything’s a mess. Petunia is yelling and her mom is shouting. There is a hurricane in her living room and Lily is standing in the eye of it, completely paralyzed.

“Petunia that boy isn’t good he’s hitting you!”

“Vernon loves me”

“Vernon loves himself and nothing more Petunia please” her mother pleads tears flowing down her face freely. Her makeup is smeared and her clothes are tattered.

“At least he isn’t a fucking prostitute” Petunia shouts her face turning ugly at the word. Before anything else happens she grabs a pair of key and runs out of the apartment without looking back.

Her mother swallows and slowly goes around the room cleaning up the mess. Lily hesitantly goes to hold her mother. She chokes back a sob until Lily starts rubbing her back. She collapses in herself and cries into Lily’s hair.

“I’m sorry baby girl this is the only way I could” her mom hiccups

Lily shakes her head her eyes closing in any tears that would want to wander out. “It’s okay, it’s okay”

+

Her mom’s in the living room the next morning looking around frantically. Neither of them talk about what happened last night but it’s there, as a constant presence. Lily wonders if she’s supposed to hang posters or something.  
She wanders into the kitchen and puts bread in the toaster. She picks off the little mold that’s starting to grow. Her mom falls down on her knees to look under the table.

“G’morning mom” she says searching the cupboard for jam. Her crop top rises and as she glances down she sees the words ‘love is also a violence and cannot be undone’ she’s had for years now. Her mom looks up and frowns slightly.

“You got a tattoo?” she asks rubbing her hands.

“No, soulmate did. It appeared on me when I woke up” Lily explains shutting the cupboard.

“Huh” her mom says turning her attention around. “Hey baby girl have you seen my phone anywhere?”

“Try-” 

“Ah! Never mind I found it. See you baby have a nice day at school” her mother shouts

Lily opens her mouth but shuts it after the door closes. “See ya” she says to the empty apartment.

+

Sirius calls Lily at one in the morning.

“Hey you want to go for a walk?”

“The hell? It isn’t even six yet Sirius”

“So no? I can always go and call James”

“No,” she grumbles “I’m coming”

“Good because I’m standing outside your window right now” and just as he says that a pebble is thrown at her window.

Lily puts on socks and grabs a sweatshirt that is barely holding together. She climbs down the fire escape, landing in front of him. His hair is in dreads while his hands are tucked away nicely in his pocket. He looks up at her as she comes down.

“I like your outfit” she tells him smirking. It’s an image of Tom and Jerry but with the face of Queen Victoria instead. 

He grins and they start walking down the street the gravel crunching underneath their feet. She lets him lead her around the streets until finally asking him “whats up?”

“The sky”

“Sirius this isn’t 2012 you cannot keep making those jokes”

He takes a deep breath and looks at her. “I applied to UPenn,” he tells her. “Today, last night whatever. I applied and stuff”

Lily grins and jumps up to hug him. “Sirius that’s great! We could end up going to the same university!” she yells jumping around.

“If I even get in” he mumbles scuffing his shoes.

“You will,” she reassures him, “and if not Remus learned how to hack. We’ll fuck the system” she tells him and a hint of a smile appears on his face.

“Yeah but still…” he says anxiety filling his bones, “I’m a black muslim kid who has more detentions than anyone in the entire school. And I’m nowhere near as intelligent as everyone else is applying and I’m just.” he stops and Lily understands. 

“Hey,” she says holding him squarely, “You’re enough. For everyone, for UPenn, for the world” she says and he releases a breath of air he didn’t even know he was holding.

“So are you” he says and Lily blinks, surprised. “Lils you are just as important and as needed as anyone else. More actually” he says and Lily turns away so she doesn’t have to face him.

“Yeah sure, whatever,” she says.

He jogs to keep up with her and they wind up at a ShopRiteLIQUOR store. Lily pulls out the I.D. she has from before she moved and buys a bottle of vodka while he looks around to make sure no cops are coming.

They walk to an abandoned field and lie down. They pass the bottle among each other getting drunk and slurring their words. As they fall down Lily points up to the stars and tells him each of the constellation names.

“How” he says slowly “do yah know all of these stars” 

“I uh. I learned them after my dad left. He likes stars” she says closing her eyes. She wonders if he still does.

“I wish my dad would leave” Sirius says after a while. “He just yells when I’m around. So does my mom.”

“I’m sorry” she says and she means it. Sirius is too kind to have to put up with such a harsh world.

“Not your fault” he says quietly. “That’s why I was so happy when I met James and Remus and Peter. They help...calm down the noise sometimes” he says

“Yeah” Lily hums. “You help too. Or at least with me. You help quiet the hurricane going on”

“That’s really poetic of you”

“Thanks”

He laughs and she lays on his stomach. There aren’t any clouds in the night sky, just the moon lazily hovering over the two of them. She passes the bottle to him and when it’s completely empty the two of them take it and throw it as far as they can. Laughing Lily tumbles back into her apartment dragging Sirius behind her. They fall asleep on a pile of clothes.

+

James flicks her ear as she sits down. She flicks him back and grabs the popcorn bowl from his lap and turns her attention back to the movie playing in front of him. 

“So what’d I miss?”

“Well the girl found out that whats-his-name is actually the blue guy so now she is really angry at him and that dumb guy is acting angsty”

“Your explanations are always so helpful and detailed” she tells him. He laughs and she flicks a popcorn into his eye.

He eats in loudly pointedly and Lily laughs. She originally came over to do the history project with him but they ended up distracted and watching _Megamind_. She is mildly annoyed because her average is currently an A and this would probably drag it down but she also doesn’t have the energy to do anything about it.

“I hope she doesn’t end up with either of them” he tells her

“What if one of them is her soulmate?” she asks

“Doesn’t matter. Neither of them deserve her” James says taking a handful of popcorn from her.  
She pauses the movie and turns to look at him. “You think that even if two people are each other’s soulmate one might not deserve the other?”

“Yeah. Like,” he says sitting up, “one of them might be really toxic. Or maybe only one of them puts in the emotional labor and the other doesn’t. It isn’t fair or right”

“Like my parents” she says partly to herself.

He grows quiet but curiosity bubbles beneath him. “My dad just. Left us one day. He forced my mom to take care of two kids without a single cent to help”

“That sucks” he finally says

“Yeah” Lily laughs. “Like when I was younger I used to dream that he would be here. And my mom would have a steady job and everything would be great and I’d be happy. But I guess that wasn’t really my fate” she says laughing humorlessly.

“Hey” he says sitting up. “You’re going to be happy. You deserve it more than any of us”

Lily swallows and wonders when they got so close. She was on a roller coaster once, at a school carnival. She remembers the dizzy free falling feeling pumping through her veins that came with the steep drop. Having James so close felt so much like that; Lily giggles and coughs hoping her cheeks aren’t as red as she feels. 

“What about you Potter? What’re you sob stories?”

James sits back his eyes still on her. He knows she is just changing the subject but plays along with her. “Well I don’t have as tragic of a past as you” he says. “My mom was just really busy with work and stuff you know? She would be in and out and sometimes she’d be gone for weeks at a time. My dad ended up taking care of my and raising me more than anything else”

“You miss her a lot?” Lily asks tangling her legs with James’.

“Sometimes. But really I think the two of them are such different people, the fact that they’re separated at times is actually good. They can have a break and then meet up again with a clear head”

“Why don’t they just get divorced?” 

He shrugs and takes a handful of popcorn. “It’s too expensive I think. And plus my dad is really sentimental, he completely believes in all of the soulmate stuff so” he says, “I just sometimes wish she was around more”

“Maybe they can work it out someday” Lily says softly

“Maybe” he says. They’re quiet for a moment but then Lily hits play again and they go back to watching t.v.

+

Lily accidentally tells Remus that her 18th birthday is in two days. She makes him swear to not tell anyone else but then Sirius saunters up to her and tells her that they are going to throw her the biggest party ever.

“Fuck Sirius please don’t”

“It’s too late, it’s out of my hands I’m afraid” Sirius says

Lily turns to James with her best doe-eyes. “James please no big party”

James feels his heart go weak and instead turns to Sirius who smirks at him. “I’m sorry baby girl it is well out of my hands” he says grinning

“Jesus fuck” Lily says groaning into her hands

+

The day of her birthday she wakes up to find several hundred bouquets of flowers in her room. At the foot of her bed there is a card that says ‘ _Happy Birthday Lils I got you a million flowers. I don’t know what Sirius and James are planning so whatever happens don’t blame me. I love you and you’re wonderful. - Grumpy_ ’ Lily grins and tucks a single flower in her hair.

When she gets to school she stands on her toes and plants a kiss on Remus’s cheek. He looks down at her with a smile and pulls her closer, kissing the top of her head. “Happy Birthday”

“How much did the flowers cost?” she asks him. She knows it must have been a lot.

“Not much. Just like. Three hundred and seventy two dollars” he shrugs

Lily’s mouth drops open slightly. She wonders how many night shifts he must have had to cover in order to pay for that, especially with his medical bills.

“Good God Remus I need to pay you back here” she says reaching for her wallet. She knows she only has a couple of twenties but she has to pay him back in some way.

“Lils” he says putting his hands out, “I don’t want any cash. It’s your birthday”  
“I still feel bad” she confesses

“Don’t. You’ll be making it up by putting up with whatever Sirius and James have planned” he reminds her

She groans and he laughs. They walk into the school together, speculating over what they might be planning. As they walk into their English class Lily’s jaw drops completely as she takes in the sight. Everyone in the class is in a pyramid wearing a ridiculously bright neon coloured shirt, with a giant banner that says ‘FUCK LILY EVANS IS 18 AND THUS. OLD’. Peter takes a picture of her face and Professor McGonagall sits on her chair behind her desk with a flower crown on her head. 

“Mr. Black and Mr. Potter, I have been generous enough to allow you to do this now will you get out so I can teach my class”

“Absolutely not Prof. We still need to bring in the horse”

Professor McGonagall fixes a glare on Sirius but there is a slight twitch to her lips that makes Lily think that maybe she likes this too. “Now Mr. Black, or else I’ll fail you for the year”

He sighs and jumps from the high point of the human-pyramid. James promptly follows and the two leave the classroom after blowing a large exaggerated kiss at her.

Later they five of them are at the park setting up a picnic. She sits with Peter and James while Remus and Sirius play with a frisbee. Peter pulls out a bottle of wine he stole from his mother’s cabinet and takes a large sip before passing it around.

“Oi Evans mind saving some?” Sirius calls out to her

She flips him off and pointedly takes a large gulp from the bottle until he jogs up to her and snatches it away from her. She laughs and falls down on Peter’s stomach where she lays comfortably letting the wine sink into her system.

“Hey you know what I want?”

“A cheesecake?” James asks

“No. Well, yes” she says pausing to think about it, “but more than that I want an oreo ice cream cake”

“We don’t have that unfortunately for you” he replies with a smirk and Lily kicks him from where she’s laying down.

“Hey don’t be like that Lily it isn’t very 18 years old of you” James says sliding back to avoid another kick.

“I hate you”

“Love you babe”

They grow quiet for a minute before Lily pipes up again. “You know what is a great Disney movie?”

“Moana” James replies without missing a beat.

Lily props herself up using her elbows and squares a look at him. “You watch Disney movies?”

“I _pirate_ Disney movies” he corrects her with a grin. “I don’t want to give my money to Disney after all the shit they’ve done”

“Still” she says “you’re into Disney movies?”

“That much of a surprise Lily?”

“Yeah kinda”

He grins and lays back down. “Still got a lot to learn about each other huh Lily?”

She hums in agreement and lays back down on Peter’s stomach. She rolls out a joint and blows a ring of smoke watching it disappear into the air. For a while everything is quiet except for Peter’s phone which plays random songs until he falls asleep on their green blanket. Lily watches Remus blow bubbles as Sirius pops them. She watches two girls walking on their date animatedly talking clearly in love. An elderly couple sit on a bench and everything looks content and lovely.

Its all Lily’s ever really wanted, to have everything be lovely.

“You know which Disney character reminds me of you Lily? Moana but with oranger hair”

“My hair is red first of all” Lily says “and why? Because I’m Hawaiian?”

“Evans shut up or else I’ll call my very desi father and have him sternly look at you”

Lily laughs and sits up straight. “Seriously though why Moana?”

“Because Moana is headstrong and determined and brave and she loves more than anyone else. Also because she has the best voice out of every Disney princess ever”

Lily nods, “can’t argue with logic like that James”

“And” James says after a second, “I had the biggest crush on her. Kinda like the one I have on you but bigger”

Lily stops for a second. “What?”

James sits up and looks directly into her eyes. They don’t waver for a single second and Lily feels her entire body go on fire and be frozen all at once. She didn’t know that was even possible. “I like you. A lot actually”

Lily forces out a laugh trying to cover up her heart beating wildly in her chest. “I like me too I’m glad you agree”

“Lily,” he says “I’m serious”

“So am I” Lily says because if there is one thing she is skilled at, it’s deflecting conversations she doesn’t want to talk in yet. “Anyways I gotta go. I um. I left the stove on”

“Lily you’re a shit cook”

“Exactly why I must have left it on” she says laughing nervously. “I gotta go sorry James tell the boys I said bye” she says and breaks into a light jog. She can feel James’s eyes on her, she can feel his heartbreaking from miles away and hates herself for it.

+

Lily quietly enters her apartment. Her mother is passed out on the couch barely holding a piece of paper. She picks it up and on it it reads _Happy Birthday honey. I’m sorry I’m not a good mom, the kind you bring to your school or to help you with your homework or to come running to when you’re afraid of a bad storm. And I know this isn’t nearly as much as you deserve, and I know that this isn’t enough to make up for all the neglect or anything but I love you so much. I’ve been saving this up, I know it isn’t much but I hope you’ll always wear it._

On the table sits a blue velvet box and inside of it is a silver chain that holds a baby bird with a rose. Lily puts it on and it falls down to her stomach. She doesn’t realize she is crying until she feels something on her hand. She sniffles and wipes it away and turns back to her mother. Lily wraps her arms around her and plants a kiss on her temple.

+  
“Evans open the fuck up”

“Cursing is rude Remus”

“Open the goddamn door or so help me God I will-”

Lily swings open the door and Remus falls through. Lily smirks above him and turns around to go back to watching t.v.

“Evans”

“That is indeed my name”

“You can’t deflect me Evans” he says and she pointedly looks at the t.v.

“Evans” he says and plants himself directly in front of her so her view is blocked. Then in a softer voice says “talk to him. He’s a mess”

“I will I just.” she sighs, “give me time”

Remus sits down cross legged and looks up at her. “Listen I know James. I know how he behaves and I know that when he cares about someone he doesn’t stop. He’ll wait forever for you but that isn’t really fair. To either of you.”

Lily swallows thickly and nods. He looks at her for another few seconds before shifting to watch _Phineas and Ferb_ with her. She barely watches any of it.

+

She goes to see James at midnight. She keeps throwing rocks at his window and when he pushes it open he gets hit with dozens of pebbles.

“Shit sorry!” she shouts “Can I like. Come up there?”

“Maybe I don’t have long blonde hair for you to carry. Still think you can make it?” he asks and Lily lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She partly thought he’d be pissed at her but the teasing tint in his voice was reassuring.

“I think I can brave it”

“Come on up then”

When she gets up there the entire room is a mess. Half his textbooks are open but at various corners of the room. His clothes are all over and there are lists scattered about full of multiple pranks they could pull off.

“Hey” she finally says and it dawns upon her that she has no idea what to say. She prepared a whole speech on her way to his house but standing so close to him, she completely forgot everything.

“Hi”

“So um. You told me that you liked me. Which is great but I” she laughs nervously anxiety running through her.

“Lily whatever you need to say I won’t be mad”

“Promise?” she asks and the conversation feels strangely like deja vu

“Pinkie promise” he tells her

“I” she says and she’s about to tell him everything. That she likes him too maybe more than she is supposed to, that she wants to kiss him all the time and his eyes remind her of Petunia but maybe his eyes won’t get that firey look in them hers do when she gets mad. Instead she blurts out “I’m saving myself for my soulmate”

His breath hitches and they both know she’s lying. “No biggie Evans. We can just pretend like I didn’t say anything”

She nods and can feel her heart between her teeth. It isn’t until she’s halfway to her house that she realizes he called her Evans for the first time.

+

Sirius knocks on her door when she is making gingerbread cookies. He holds up a sheet of paper and it takes a minute for Lily to read all of it and realize it’s an acceptance letter to UPenn.

“Sirius! Dude thats fucking amazing! I told you that you were gonna get in” she says breathlessly. 

He laughs and jumps up and down with her as if they were children. “Yeah well the only problem is I can’t afford it” 

“Your family is rich as hell how is money the problem?” she asks sitting on the kitchen counter while licking icing from her finger.

“Got disowned” he confesses. As she opens her mouth he raises his hand to stop her, “it's no biggie Evans. I was gonna run away anyways they just saved me the trouble. Besides I’m living with James now”

“Sirius you know you could have told me. I would have helped or something” she says and he nods.

“I know. But it’s alright being with you and just hanging out is more than enough”

“You’re a cheeseball”

“It's Christmas time Evans get in the spirit!”

“You’re not even Christian”

“Not the point”

“God shut up and help me make this house” Evans tells him and he pointedly takes the Gingerbread man and eats his arm off. She flips him off and thinks about when she and Petunia used to make gingerbread houses. Lily wonders if she still does.

+

It’s been a week since she told James that she was waiting for soulmate. They barely had talked, only in group environment and she felt herself breaking every second. She didn’t know how to fix it.

The phone rang and when she picks it up all she can hear at first is sniffling. “James? James are you there?” He mumbles something but she can’t understand him. “James are you home?” she tries and she can faintly make out a ‘yes’ so she goes with it. “James just wait there I’ll be at your place in less than five minutes”

When she gets there he’s lying on the floor shaking. There are cops everywhere and she doesn’t understand until she sees the body.

“Ohmygod James” she says rushing over to his side

He reacts to her instantly, pressing himself against her for warmth and comfort. She holds him as he cries, wet sloppy tears flowing down. Cops keep circling around taking down notes.

“James do you want to get up and leave this room” she asks him gently. She thinks seeing the body is just making him worse.

He nods and she helps him stand up. He leans on her as they walk up the stairs to his room and he collapses on the bed. Lily sits next to him, rubbing his back. She feels too small for this.

+

“He died of a heart attack” James says. It’s the first time he’s talked about that day when his dad died and he called her. She sits up from her position on the couch, arms wrapping her legs. “That’s what the doctors and everyone told me. Natural causes and all that bullshit”

“I’m sorry” she says because that’s the only thing she can say.

“I miss him” he whispers and he looks at her. There are heavy bags under his eyes she realizes. And he’s thinner, he’s a shell of what he used to be. She kisses his temple and lays down with him. 

“Tell me about him”

James pauses for a minute and then starts. “He was an asshole at times. Unreasonably stubborn, and could ice you out if you hurt him. But he was my dad. He was kind and when I scraped my knee he’d put a band-aid on it. When I got detention for punching Michael Falks for yelling at Peter he didn’t get mad. He understood me sometimes, and when he didn’t he tried to” 

“Tell me what you need” Lily whispers because he’s James Potter and he’s the happiness of the Earth. Because she cannot bear to see him sad and would burn the world if it would light up his face. 

“I just” he says struggling for words, “I feel everything. And nothing at the same time and I don’t know what to do with that”

She holds him tight, hoping it’s enough to fix his broken rib cage.

+

She almost kisses him when sitting on the rooftop of her apartment complex. The sun’s setting, a few stars are out while the moon is hovering lazily over them. The whole city is under them moving around, full of people who are too busy to concern themselves over a boy with lightning hair and a girl with emerald coloured eyes whose half in love with the boy. 

He’s laughing and Lily decides it’s the most beautiful song in the world. She also decides that she wants him, desperately and thoroughly. She thinks that he was born for her or perhaps it was the other way around but it didn’t matter they were made for each other. 

She’s scared and a little drunk so she reaches for his hand and intertwines their fingers. He doesn’t coil away or break the hold so she thinks that it’s so far still okay. They sit and make stories about the people below.

“That one in the blue hat - they’re a dancer”

“Do you know how to dance?” she asks him

“Yeah I had lessons when I was younger” he tells her with a grin and she laughs. “I can teach you if you want” he offers and without missing a beat she accepts.

It’s awkward and terrible because Lily has awful feet coordination. They end up falling on the hard pavement and their faces are an inch away from each other. Her breath hitches and he gazes down at her.

He awkwardly laughs and gets off of her. She blinks and there he is standing above her. “Sorry about that, I know you aren’t...into me like that” he says quietly and she doesn’t know what to say.

+

It’s early in the morning and she’s at a lonely gas station with Peter. He grabs whatever chocolate is on the shelf and she takes three bags of sour cream and onion chips. 

“So have you two done it yet?” Peter asks grabbing seventeen bars of Hersey.

“Who is ‘you two’ and what is ‘done it’?” Lily asks 

“You and James. Are you two together officially yet?” 

Lily snorts and rolls her eyes. “Of course not we’re just friends”

Peter groans and looks at her, “Y’all are still going on about that bs? C’mon you both like each other and want to be with one another. What’s the hold up?”

Lily sighs and stuffs a bar of Kit Kat in her jacket. “I’m just not sure if it’s the right time Pete” she tells him

“Miss” the cashier says behind the table, “you will have to pay for the food you’re trying to hide”

Peter looks at her with half a smirk as she pulls out her wallet again. “Lily you’re just avoiding the dating thing because you think you don’t deserve him. You do. So stop with that nonsense of time and whatever”

Lily rolls her eyes at him, “And you’re obviously an expert because...”

“I listen to Remus when he talks about shit” Peter answers cheekily and she elbows him. 

Lily snorts into her hand and strolls out the store with him. “Listen Pete I’m really glad that you’re happy with Alex but that doesn’t mean it’ll work out for me”

“Sure it will. I trust the universe” Peter says confidently, “And honestly Evans?” he says and looks at her squarely in the eyes so she knows he’s serious. “James would do anything to make sure you’re happy”

Lily looks away. All of the boys, she realizes, look at her squarely when talking about James. It occurs to her how deeply rooted their friendship really was and she fell in love with each of them a little more. 

“You just gotta give him a chance” Peter adds and they’re sitting on a bus on their way back home. 

Lily sighs her breath fogging up the window next to her. It’s not that she isn’t willing to give James a chance. She doesn’t want to give herself a chance to screw things up. James doesn’t deserve that. He deserves a girl who can and will love him for everything and who isn’t a total fuck-up. Who doesn’t drag him into every mess she makes and won’t leave after a while. He’s a lot like God in the sense that he deserves the very best and she’s just a paper bag floating in the wind trying to not be destroyed.

“Promise me you’ll try” Peter says and she nods leaning her head on his shoulder. 

+

It’s one in the afternoon and all she can think about is James. She wants to talk about it to someone, tell them how she’s feeling and for them to tell her what do. Her mom walks past her room and stops. She hesitates at the door frame but then comes into the room

“Lils it’s the middle of the day. Shouldn’t you be at school?”

“Early dismissal” she says easily 

“For what?”

“Dunno. Some teacher confrence thing” she lies closing her eyes tightly

Her mother hums in understanding and sits next to her on the bed. “What’s on your mind then kiddo?”

“What makes you think there’s something on my mind?” Lily asks

“Because you’re lying to me about going to school,”

Lily sighs and shifts her position so she’s lying in her mother’s lap. She strokes her red hair and Lily allows herself to let go of her tension. For a couple of minutes everything is peaceful. “Mommy” Lily pauses. Her mother keeps stroking her hair waiting patiently. “How’d you know dad was your soulmate? Albeit a terrible one but still”

Lily’s mother stills and Lily thinks she may have crossed a line. After a couple of heartbeats her mom says “I kissed him. When we kissed every dream we had flooded back and that’s how we knew. Why have you met yours?”

“I’m not sure. But if he isn’t...how terrible of a person would I be if I fell for someone who wasn’t my soulmate”

“You’d be as amazing as one can be” her mom says gently pressing a kiss on her cheek. “Love isn’t something you can control and neither are soulmates. Sometimes they’re one and sometimes they’re separate. Besides soulmates can be platonic, or familial not always romantic” her mom says and Lily nods. 

She thinks about her boys, Remus with the dark skin and bright freckles. Sirius with his gold heart and mischievous brain. Peter and his soft skin and loyal soul. James with his lightning hair and addicting laugh. She loves them all she can live off the high of their existence forever she thinks. 

“Just,” her mother struggles “find someone who loves you back. I know I’m not around but Lily I know what kind of a person you are. You have so much love in you I’m surprised it hasn’t combusted in you. You...you’re the most kind and gentle soul I’ve ever seen and you’re still so strong and I don’t know how all of this fits into your little body but it does. Find someone who can appreciate all of that kiddo”

Lily blinks back tears and hides further into her mom’s lap. She feels herself as a normal girl with her mom, not holding the entirety of the galaxy on her shoulders. She feels at home for the first time with her mom and wants to live in the moment forever.

+

Lily runs to his house barefoot. When he opens the door he’s bleary eyed and half-blind without his glasses. She tells him to hurry up and to please get ready. He obliges and she swings her arms by the door waiting.

He comes back out wearing fluff cookie monster slippers and a faded sweatshirt. She grabs his hands and drags him behind her. 

“Lily not that I mind being woken up abruptly at three a.m. but where are we going?”

“Shut up and walk faster” she tells him and he rolls his eyes. She needs to be outside under the stars. They end up at a bus station and she buys them two tickets. They’re the only ones in the bus and for a minute it all feels like a dream. But she can feel his body, he is ever so present all veins and hair that can never stay down. Every once in awhile the bus jostles and he nearly falls into her. She doesn’t tell him where they’re going so instead he fills the time with random topics of conversation that don’t matter.

When it’s four a.m. the bus finally stops she pays the driver extra cash and gets out with him. They’re standing at the foot of a beach and she runs to the shore. He goes after her because she’s Lily and he would follow her to the ends of the earth.

She needs to be outside under the stars near the beach when she tells him. Her heart is wildly beating and it’s a miracle it doesn’t completely jump out of her chest. She turns to face him and maybe he sees the fear and anxiety in her face because his voice gets gentle and he says in a soft voice “Evans what’re we doing here?”

She takes a deep breath and swallows thickly. Lily focuses her eyes on him, “I like you too. Maybe more than I’m supposed to. I want to kiss you and hold you and tell you how wrong you are when you don’t like a song that I do. I want to fall asleep next to you and tell you everything”

His eyes widen but before he can say anything else she pushes forward. “I want you. More than I’ve wanted anything. I want you like God wants Eve to not eat that apple. I want you in every possible way, in a dirty grimy way with your body under me. I know when you walk into the room before even turning around, I know that you hate coffee if it has less than three and a half pack of sugars”

“Lily” he interrupts “what’re you saying?”

“I’m trying to tell you that I want to live in a shitty apartment with you. One where we can paint the walls to match our mood, one where you can pirate Disney movies or do whatever it is a James does in his spare time”

He snorts at this and relief floods through Lily. “I’m trying to say I like you too soulmate be damned. And I know it’s been months you’re probably well over me but I thought that you had the right to know” she says in a voice that isn’t entirely her own.

“Fuck Lily are you kidding me? I don’t think I’ve been over you since they second we met. Probably before that” he tells her and she feels a grin splitting her face.  
“You still like me?”

“Never stopped” he tells her and she loops her fingers through one of his belt buckles.

“I’m enough for you here?”

“You’re enough for me anywhere Lily” he says connecting their forehead.

Their kiss is slow at first, soft and uncertain. His hands are on her face so she pushes a bit deeper. She kisses him with all the energy she has and memories flood into her. They were ten and splashing water at each other. She had made a world where her dad had never left and Petunia loved her. They were sixteen at a diner in a broken town. She tattooed him, and in the morning it had appeared on her skin as a dull ache. 

Lily breaks the kiss and stares up at him. His eyes run over her face as if he’s looking at her for the first time.

“So” she says clearing her throat

“So” he echoes

“Soulmate is us”

“Very coherent Lily”

She lightly slaps his chest and takes a step back. “Is. Am I okay?” she asks him timidly “I know I’m not-”

“Lily” he says patiently pulling her closer to him. “You are my dream girl. Literally”

She laughs into his chest and he grins down at her. “Hey Lily?”

“Yeah”

“I think we’re a pretty good Disney movie”

She giggles and feels lighter than she has for a long time. 

+

Graduation comes with a large bang. The five of them get drunk on her apartment complex. Peter is rattling off possible ways to still be in contact despite being separated and Sirius throws water balloons down at unsuspecting people. They swear at him and he laughs harder.

Remus grins and carries Lily around for a while. James sneaks in more bottles of wine and champagne and they giggle at the stars with the moon hovering over them. Lily kisses James as loud music pumps out of Peter’s phone.

Sirius asks when they got together. James tells him the exact date and time and Lily giggles calling him a sentimental sap. Peter and Sirius groan and fork over money to Remus who looks far too smug. Before Lily can ask why she hears James shouting that ‘this is my song’ and grabs her wrists. 

It’s young and stupid. They’re still learning about each other and their relationship. She feels loved and he reminds her of it on days Lily can’t remember. He tells her stories and draws her when he thinks she isn’t looking and she throws grapes at him to see if he can beat his previous record. She holds him when everything is too much and kisses his cheek until the tears stop running. 

She loves him more than the moon loves the sun. Her love runs through her body spilling from her veins until it fill every room they’re in. She loves him and he loves her back completely, fiercely and undeniably and that’s enough. They’re enough.

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr has moved and now im here and now you can yell at me](http://www.isabellarosaline.tumblr.com)


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